The Aftermath

blah...

Tue, 11 May 2004 15:25:02 GMT

ummm i'm super bored with my life... school is almost finished which is a fucking gift because im hating it right now... i feel so alone.

Wed, 17 Dec 2003 22:24:06 GMT

i'm retiring for a while.... i'll be back soon

Tue, 25 Nov 2003 19:24:06 GMT

i'm sooooooooooo in love...

PS: i got a job at GameStop

Fri, 21 Nov 2003 18:56:25 GMT

Things are going GREAT for me right now... well aside from the fact that i'm going broke and busting my ass looking for a job... I'm really fucking happy. Josh and I are a couple now... and he's been making my life so much better. He makes me happy. Happier than anyone has ever made me.

Wed, 12 Nov 2003 14:47:26 GMT

This song is for my Joshie...

Rise Against - Like The Angel

they turn the lights down low,
in shadows hiding from the world,
only coming out when it gets cold

the seas part when they hit the floor,
the voices carry on and out the door
and everything you touch turns into gold

like the angel you are, laugh creating a lightness in my chest,
your eyes they penetrate me,
(your answer's always 'maybe')
that's when I got up and left

a beating heart and a microphone,
a ticking clock in an empty home
still tells of these times so long ago,
and even though I've come so far, I know
I've got so far to go and any day now I'll explode

like the angel you are, laugh creating a lightness in my chest,
your eyes they penetrate me,
(your answer's always 'maybe')
that's when I got up and left

each and everyday it leads into tomorrow
and tomorrow brings one less day without you
but don't wait up just leave the light on
cause all the roads that I might take will all one day lead back to you

like the angel you are, laugh creating a lightness in my chest,
your eyes they penetrate me,
(and this is too amazing)
that's when I got up and left

i feel like chicken tonight...

Sun, 09 Nov 2003 19:20:50 GMT

hmmmmm... good day today. i running on no sleep and 3 cups of coffee... yummy. anyways my week is starting to wind on down and soon enough i'll be on my way to NY. i'm hanging out with Ed on saturday and then sunday i get to see Josh. YEAH FOR ME!!! ok got to go

Cookie: i hope you don't back out of taking over my job! i got everything set up for you. i should try and hypnotize you...
* $10 an hour * $10 an hour * $10 an hour * $10 an hour *
is it working???

helllllloooo...

Sat, 08 Nov 2003 21:46:46 GMT

yessss... its saturday. i'm having a really good day. i spoke to Josh for a while this morning. i spoke to Cookie about the job and everything so far is going smoothly. and i talked to Ed and we are planning a trip to Portland Oregon for my birthday. i'm pretty excited about this... its going to be loads of fun.

ps. i'm getting tattooed when i get back to NY. YEAH FOR ME!!!!

Fri, 07 Nov 2003 03:43:25 GMT

Ed, i love you pookie

Thu, 06 Nov 2003 16:48:10 GMT

"tell me what i can do to make them happy? but then will i be happy?" i don't know i chose this song. it does'nt fit my mood but its still a good song...

i'm in a really good mood. its thursday... the days seem to be going pretty fast. i can't wait until i leave. "i wish someone could feel..."

~=0)~

Wed, 05 Nov 2003 03:40:59 GMT

(don't ask me what the fuck that ^ is) any ways, its tuesday... i'm bored and very anxious. i really just want to be in NY and get back to my life. get back to a possible relationship that might begin. get back to being with Josh. i'm so incredibly excited about him. i just have a really good feeling about him. i want to own him. i want him to be mine and vice versa.

Alexis is in town... Alexis is a girl i met like 3 or 4 years ago. we were extremly close. she got into some problems with drugs and her x-boyfriend so i let her live with me for a while. which was alot of fun when she wasn't going through her drama. i haven't seen her in a year. i miss her alot. she moved to Denver for whatever reason but i have to see her before i leave again.

BOOO WOOO... i lost my voice

Sun, 02 Nov 2003 17:52:13 GMT

Morning or should i say afternoon... long night yesterday, i'm kind of out of it. Cookie came to hang out with me in West Palm and then she wanted to invite her new boy toy Pablo over. i don't like this kid. i remember him from high school, he's a smartass and some what conceited. not only that he was best friends with my ex so he often brings up his name which i hate. i don't like thinking about him. i broke his little heart just to get popular. i was so snobby in HS. its a time i choose not to think of. and i hate when people bring it up. its just not me anymore. anyways he brought one of his stupid friends over, Diggy (what a dumb nickname). he thought he was sooo smooth. and while i was entertaining him all i could think about was Josh and what he was doing... if he was having fun... or was he thinking of me... then i got sleepy so i told them to leave... actually i made Cookie tell them to leave (haha).

i'm still Z z z Z z z...

Sat, 01 Nov 2003 19:24:24 GMT

i want to go home... anyways i spoke to Cookie and she does in fact want to take over my position in my Job in FL (that sounds confusing???). which i'm pretty psyched about because its one less thing to worry over.

i spoke to Joshie for a while... man i truly hope this works out... i got a good feeling about him.

Z z z... Z z z

Sat, 01 Nov 2003 15:59:22 GMT

i'm about to plop my head on this desk and pass the fuck out... i got nooo sleep last night. i tossed and turned for hours. then when i would fall asleep i'd have nightmares... i feel like pure shit today.

anyways i'm kind of stressed out... very soon, like Monday i think, i have to tell my job i'm leaving for good. i just really hope Cookie can take my place. i would feel really bad if i just left them high and dry.

i talked to Joshie yesterday for like 40 minutes. i'm beginning to panic like i always do... the more i like someone the crazy my head gets. i really want to be optimistic about us. i'm really trying but i can't help but wonder sometimes about the negative stuff. i know why i'm going nutts over this... if i was over there i would feel differently. Ugh! what the fuck is wrong with me?! i need to chill! he's genuinely a good guy. why can't i get that through my fucking head... -NOT EVERYONE IS OUT TO GET YOU- some just want to make you happy.

another day, another dollar

Thu, 30 Oct 2003 14:56:24 GMT

well i'm house sitting which is actually pretty cool... i have a pool, a jacuzzi, a library, and a computer at my disposal. its kind of like a mini vacation. anyways i'm a little bored... i have all of this but no one to share it with.

i miss Josh. i finally feel like i have someone who feels the same about me as i do to him. this feeling, its what i felt with Bobby the first time i met him but its ten times better because the feeling is mutual. its weird but in a very good way. we talk about this and we try not to get too optimistic but we can't help it. he makes me happy.

i'm soooo sleepy

Wed, 29 Oct 2003 19:17:48 GMT

i'm tired. my dog is sick. i'm broke as hell. and i'm in boring ass florida... but i still have a smile on my face. i wonder why???

i'm really fucking happy today...

Mon, 27 Oct 2003 18:41:02 GMT

where do i begin???
i'm soooo happy today. i went on a date with Josh yesterday and it was great. i had a really good time. he treated me so good. he paid for everything and it was really nice to be with someone that just wants to make you happy. and i feel like i can trust him. i have a really good feeling about him.

Cookie finally called!!!! i wanted to be upset with her but we haven't talked in so long that i couldn't help but to want to tell her about whats been going on in my life and it felt good to talk to her again. it was just like the old days.

Sun, 26 Oct 2003 17:50:50 GMT

i do apologize for that very short entry... i was a bit hammered so i couldn't really type too well... anyways i went out with Ed yesterday. i hung out with him and his band and i got to say i'm not sure i like them... i'm definately not into hardcore. then after that we went to a Knuckleboro show which was pretty cool. I got a little drunk, hung with Ed, and i saw Josh...

Let me tell you the story about Josh... I met Josh when i first moved here and Ed made sure that me and him didn't hook up. "Why?" do you ask... Well that's when me and Ed first met so he wasn't sure if he had feelings for me but right now is a totally different story. Ed and I are in fact best friends and Josh knows that. So we chatted, exchanged numbers and looks... hmmm, this could be the start of a beautiful thing???

i'm actually kind of sad about the whole Anthony situation... but i don't want to go through all that drama of constantly wondering what he's thinking or if he likes me. i don't deserve that. he's just not ready and i don't want to be the one to get hurt. so i think its done between me and him. too bad so sad...

enough already...

Sun, 26 Oct 2003 06:37:28 GMT

ok enough with the entries on Cookie... i'm done. this is definately the last entry on her... no more songs to dedicate... and if she really means anything she has said she would be woman enough to pick up the goddamn phone and say it in person

anyways... i hung out with ed today... it was cool. i hung out with Josh too, hmmmmmm...... i think he likes me?

i don't think me and Anthony are going to work??? i just don't want to get hurt and i think it would happen with him. how sad i miss him...

i don't even know you anymore...

Thu, 23 Oct 2003 18:53:09 GMT

TBS:

Well I can't regret,
can't you just forget it?
I started something I couldn't finish
And if we go down,
we go down together
best friends means,
well best friends means

And I've got a twenty-dollar bill
that says you're up late night starting
fist fights versus fences in your backyard
Wearing your black eye like a badge of honor
Soaking in sympathy
from friends who never loved you
nearly half as much as me

Broken down in bars and bathrooms
All I did was what I had to
Don't believe me when I tell you
it's just what anyone would do
Take the time to talk about it
Think a lot and live without it
Don't believe me when I tell you
it's something unforgivable...

Well I can't regret,
can't you just forget it?
I started something I couldn't finish
If we go down,
we go down together
best friends means,
well best friends means

You never knew
well i never told you...
Everything I know about breaking hearts
I learned from you, it's true
I've never done it with the style and grace you have
But I've made long term plans
based on these mistakes

Broken down in bars and bathrooms
All I did was what I had to
Don't believe me when I tell you
it's just what anyone would do
Take the time to talk about it
Think a lot and live without it
Don't believe me when I tell you
it's something unforgivable

Is this what you call tact?
I swear you're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back
so let's end this call,
and end this conversation
there's nothing worse...

I swear, you have no idea
The jealousy that became me thinking
that you always had it way too easy

Broken down in bars and bathrooms
All I did was what I had to
Don't believe me when I tell you
it's just what anyone would do
Take the time to talk about it
Think a lot and live without it
Don't believe me when I tell you
it's something unforgivable

Best friends means I pulled the trigger
Best friends means you get what you deserve

about a recent post...

Tue, 21 Oct 2003 21:44:47 GMT

hmm... i'm not sure if i should be happy about Cookie responding to one of my entries but i actually had anger come over me... what happened between us was so unnecessary and i just want to know why? GOD i must be some sort of masochist to still want to be friends with someone that just hurts me repeatedly... i love her soooo much and she just burned me like it didn't really matter, like i didn't really matter! i guess this is how it will be, i'll continue to dedicate songs to her while she sits and does nothing with my heart in her hands... "does it hurt when you think of me and how broken my heart is?"

"Even if i wanted to
i don't think that i'd get to you
there's nothing i can say to you
to make me feel alive again.

here, a little jealousy
i hope you think of me
i hope you wonder where i sleep at night
cause i feel like i'm inside out
you've got me upside down
maybe i was holding too tight

Even if i wanted to
i don't think that i'd get to you
there's nothing i can say to you
to make me feel alive again.

the two of us we dream like one
the two of us, the two of us
the two of us took breath like one
the two of us, the two of us

i guess that this is over now
i guess its called a falling out
but everyday i'm learning how
to make it through this life i'm in..."

Mon, 20 Oct 2003 16:29:30 GMT

my mother is driving me nutts!!!! lately she's just been picking fights with me for no particular reason!!!! i swear i wanted to get in my car and run that fucker into a tree! put me out of my misery...

I have'nt spoken to Anthony much lately, but its because his friend is over from California so he's been busy. I might see him on Wednesday.

Cookie:
Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you, for you
Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you

As years go by
I race the clock with you
But if you died right now
You know that I'd die to
I'd die too

You remind me of the times
When I knew who I was
But still the second hand will catch us
Like it always does

We'll make the same mistakes
I'll take the fall for you
I hope you need this now
Cause I know I still do

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you

Should I bite my tongue?
Until blood soaks my shirt
We'll never fall apart
Tell me why this hurts so much

My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
But still we'll say, "remember when"
Just like we always do
Just like we always do

My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
We made the same mistakes
Mistakes like friends do

My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
We made the same mistakes
Made the same mistakes...

Sat, 18 Oct 2003 13:04:44 GMT

i'm sooooo disappointed right now... The Distillers are one of my favorite punk bands but their new cd is horrible. I'm sure after signing to a major label they have to tone down a bit but they changed their sound to drastically... they should have just stayed with Hellcat Records.

anyways, i'm going to see Glassjaw on the 25th and i'm really excited about it... just me and ed... its going to be amazing.

damn, sorry for making this entry all about music...

there has been alot going through my head lately... questioning people and wondering if its worth being attached to someone when they will just leave you anyway. I miss Cookie. i know its a shocking thing to say after what she did to me but its the truth. i wish things were different but you have to accept whats been given to you. there's no way to go back in time to change that. i've just been burned too many times... i'm starting to become bitter and cynical or as Bobby would say "i have alot of hate in my heart".

i'm starting to get opinions about my journal from random people that i don't know and its becoming slightly annoying... i might make my journal friends only.

i'm a little confused now...

Sun, 12 Oct 2003 16:34:05 GMT

okay i can't hold it in anymore... i have to talk about him because now i'm some what confused and worried. so i really like him but i find that the more i like someone the less i trust them. this drives me crazy and i'm trying my best to just go with the flow but its easier said than done. he's never really been in a relationship, at least like a long one and i have only been in long relationships. i like being in relationships. i don't really know what its like to not be in one. this whole dating thing is kind of new to me. i'm afraid of liking him. i don't want to assume things will work out and then they don't and i get hurt. i'm just not up for that. and his friend is right, he just moved and he's going to meet girls all the time... i don't want to just be someone he's talking to... if he doesn't know what he wants then i don't want to be included in that because i know what i want. ugh! i hate dating, its so stressful.

whoop-di-doo!!!!

Wed, 08 Oct 2003 16:02:17 GMT

wow, wow, wow, i saw Silverstein yesterday in NY... they are fucking amazing. well from what i remember because i was pretty drunk too. i know we missed some of it because Big Head(joe), Morgan, and me kept wanting to get more beer... Ed seemed a little mad about that but you know I LOVE YOU POOKIE!!! but it was cool hanging out with them. i think joe's really cool... which is weird. i never knew he was such a funny guy. and Morgan's cool too... it was a little strange because he's a "Yo Son" but he's into hardcore so i guess its okay. i had alot of fun with them... even you POOKIE!! i'm gonna start calling you GROUCHY from now on.

Cookie: i know you're going to read this... Joe and ED want to know why you don't wax your fucking mustache? hahahahaha
(i'm so mean)
anyway...

i met Anthony on Monday... i really like this guy and thats all i'm going to say about that. i don't want to jinx anything.

Sun, 28 Sep 2003 16:33:11 GMT

so, i've gotten alot of advice... some good, some bad but helpful.
i'll update more later...

oh! by the ways, i cut my hair... woo hoo!!!